The concept of Non-Violent Communication was developed by conflict mediator Marshall Rosenberg. The intent of NVC is to resolve conflicts through compassionate listening, conscious choice of words and an honest and clear communication of needs. By thoughtful treatment and respectful attention it is possible to achieve a healthy balance within ourselves and in relationships with others.
The four steps of Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
- Observations : By analyzing the situation we find ourselves in, we pay attention to what is being said, what do we observe, how is the other person acting and which positive or negative influence do these actions have on us. This step is about formulating our observations without using moralistic judgment, interpretation or diagnosis
- Feelings : In the next step we speak about our feelings while making these observations. It is important to avoid any form of blame while stating these feelings. Are you hurt, surprised, happy or irritated ?
- Needs : In the third step we express our needs which have lead us to feel the way we described in the previous step. These three steps - observations, feelings and needs - should be present at all times during the entire conversation to express clearly what is happening within us.
- Requests : The fourth step is about expressing requests which fulfill our needs and could improve the harmony in the group. It is about actions the other person could take that would benefit everybody.
A NVC-based conversation is about guiding the attention of everybody involved to these four aspects. This holds true aswell for honestly expressing your own view point as well as empathically listening to the view point of others.
Most frequent blockages and problems with NVC
- Moralistic Judgments : If other people do not behave according to our own perception and wishes, we quickly tend to imply that they are wrong or bad. Examples for these judgments can be "Your problems is that you are too selfish", "They are all lazy", "That's inappropriate". Blame, insults, labels, criticism and comparisons are all forms of judgment. Life-alienating communication easily traps us in a world of ideas about what is right and what is wrong. This language is rich with words that classify people and their actions. These analyses of others are acutally expressionsof our own values and needs and should be recognized as such. It is important to distiguish between value judgments and moralistic judgments: Value judgments reflect qualities we value in life because we see them as life supportive. We make moralistic judgments of people and their behaviour in case they do not comply to our own value judgments.
- Comparing to others : Comparisons with others are also a from of judgment. Many people tend to compare themselves to people they consider to be ideal. This automatically leads them to feel bad about themselves. On the other hand they can put themselves in a positive light by focusing on the negative aspects of other people. Both behaviours are blocking compassion for oneself and for others.
- Denial of responsibility : Life-alienating communication can easily lead to people to denying their responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and actions. The use of the common expression "have to" is an easy way to deny responsibility by blaming external circumstances. NVC is about replacing language that implies a lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice. French novelist and journalist George Bernanos remarked that the increasing efficiency of technique of destruction could lead to the extiction of the human race, because modern man is lacking resonsibility for his own actions. Subservient acceptance of orders from authority will be the reason for doom.
- Communicating our desires as demands : An explicit or implicit demand threatens the listener with blame or punishment if they fail to comply. This is a common communication technique used by authority figures. Trying to make people do something might lead to the desired result on the surface but it always leads to new conflicts.
- Deserving punishment : The attitude that people who did something wrong deserve to be punished for it is not a constructive approach. It would be better to help these people come to the insights that a change in their behaviour would also be beneficial for themselves.
- Emotional slavery : We often take responsibility for the feelings of others and want to make sure that they are happy. Since this leads to our own dissatisfaction almost all the time, we become angry and refuse to take responsibility for the feelings of others. The only resolution of this conflict remains in taking responsibility for your own actions and intentions and make sure that we never fulfill our needs at the expense of other people.
Important topics to be considered during NVC
- Observing without evaluating : Whenever an observation is combined with an evaluation the likelihood of the other person hearing the intended message is decreasing. They might hear criticism and try to defend themselves.
- Identifying and expressing feelings : In western societies feelings are often not considered as important. Since we have been trained to be "other-directed" rather than to be in contact with ourselves, many people loose touch with their feelings. It is important to learn to differentiate between thoughts and feelings. In daily life we often use the verb feel without really expressing a feeling.
- Taking responsibility for our feelings : What others do or say might be the trigger for our feelings but it is never their root cause. Judgments of other people are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. If we express our needs, the chances that they are met increases significantly. If we don't take our own needs seriously, others won't take them serious either.
- Formulating requests in positive action language : We tend to adress issues and behaviour we don't like. In order to be successful we need to express clearly the behaviour we would like to see. In order to make sure that the other person understood our request correctly, we ask the other person to rephrase our request in their own words.
- Empathic listening : Intellectual understanding is blocking empathing listening. Listen to the other persons needs and not to what you think about them. Repeat emotionally loaded statements for the other person in order to make sure you understood them correctly. Some people use intimidating statements because they have never learned any other way to express their needs.
For further information it is recommended to read Marshall Rosenberg's book "Non-Violent Communication".
Additionally an interview with Marshall Rosenberg on NVC is available in the Resource section
